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Tuesday, 09 February 2010

self evaluation form

And again, I had one of those days. Those days when
everything wasn't going my way. A bad bad day.
Oh boy..

I tried sleeping on it..but I got really pissed off.
It was a stupid stupid small matter..and after
some thoughts..I realized that I was even more
mad at how worked up I can get over little things
like that..ugh..

For a moment there, I lost what I had found.
I thought I had found reason and meaning in life,
things to strive for and work towards. Looking
at others instead of looking at myself.

Only when I was trying my very best to be selfless,
it all turned its back on me and vanished into thin air.

Its good to be back to being level-headed again I guess.
Selflessness is something great to achieve after I have
gotten over myself. But as it has been told, there has
to be some sort of balance in life to be happy.

'I want to be happy.'

It came out of one of my classmates' mouth the other day
during an introduction. Everyone laughed, so did I. But
the inside of me nodded vehemently. I really did and do
agree with what he said. The most important thing to
me now is to be happy.

To be happy with what I do, and to be happy with who I am.
That's the only way I'll learn to be selfless. Only when I'm
contented and satisfied with what I have and am, then
being understanding and reaching out comes into the picture.

When I say reaching out, I don't mean being all evangelical
and stuff. That's not wrong, but 'reaching out' to me at the
moment is pretty much of (yes, I'm taking some time to
put that in order in my mind now..haha)..trying my best
to overlook myself, step out of being selfish and trying
to be..good?

Hahaha..that sounds a little pathetic.
But its the truth. No?

If it is silly, that's me then.
When I had found what I had found, it occurred to me that
life on earth is not an accident and it shouldn't be something
taken for granted. As we know that we are all just passing by,
I would like to make the most out of it.

Having all that said and cleared from my mind.
Its still pretty scary though. The fear of being thought of as a
hypocrite. Eh..sometimes its as if I don't live out what I want
to be or rather, live out what I say I want to be.

Its like a puzzle which we take an entire lifetime to piece together.
Sometimes I piece in pieces correctly a few at a time, then I start
to think, 'Hey, I'm getting good at this.' But when the next piece
goes into a wrong spot, I start to falter, thinking.
'Why am I even doing this?'

I would say, that its all part of becoming a person. Learning to
accept myself as I am and living for myself first, not for others.
Not being afraid of what others may think.

And I have started to understand why it is said,
that its better to be child-like sometimes.

Children have the most innocents thoughts and priorities in mind.
Its not particularly wrong. Its beautiful in its time.

I'm very sorry if I've shoved broken pieces at anyone.
I know I do things I don't even approve of. I've let myself
down many times. I apologize. In my defense, I'm still learning.

x

I would like to say, that I get easily envious of people who are out there.
Living their lives, doing what they have been dreaming of.

I haven't had any dreams to fulfill since I was a little kid..well..there was
one, to be a millionaire.

Maybe it was in my blood, but I haven't really awakened that passion.
I used to have an imaginary friend named B, who was a bee.

Dad & I used to talk about him. I think I was 3 or 5 then.
He used to ask me questions.

Where's B now?

And I would answer the places I knew of. Sometimes, it was
a far away land like Africa. Or just somewhere near.

I would love to travel in the near future.
But as said again and again: when the time is right.

I used to push it a lot. But I've learned overtime that waiting isn't
a bad thing at all. That there's a time for everything.

I don't know what I'll be doing after I graduate at the end of this year.
Nothing is clear, but I still believe that He is still watching over me.

x

This has been a long rant but I still don't want to go to bed yet.
I had a long nap earlier..must be because of those meds ):

I'm getting better after real food (omg..subway <3) instead
of runny porridge. I crave for so many different things now
and I have even written down a list.

Sushi, Nandos, even that plate of oily overpriced fish & chips
at the school's cafeteria. My mind is running wild thinking.
FOOD FOOD FOOD! (Don't judge me! I'm not usually like that!)

Today, I woke up at 4am, feeling sicker than ever. As usual,
my subconscious was still working my mind. Overload.

Yes, through my sleep. Can this kind of thing be cured? All I ask
for is peaceful sleep without thinking of homework and classes T_T

I told myself that I wouldn't be going to classes later on.
There was some little battle going on in my mind.
That classes were too important to miss. I would be left behind.

Random interlude: My sister came in at 7 to wash up. She was
going to get her morning walk at Bukit Kiara..on her day off -_-

At 8, I gave up and called dad. I told him that I would be staying
in bed. I was too tired to go anywhere.

I woke up at 10, the sister returned from grocery shopping.
She was sitting in front of the fridge, taking tomatoes out for salad.

I was convinced that I needed to go for my classes.
I had already missed French, but Marketing & Econs were
as important. Yes..English wasn't really a concern..
I still can't enjoy that class D:

Dad was slightly frustrated at my decisions..and I was too.
Who in the world wants to go to school when they have the
perfect reasons to stay in? Pfft..oh well. This is new.

Econs got canceled. As much as I don't say it,
I actually enjoy Econs. Sir's okays are pretty bearable now.
You can't really catch all that many okays when you're trying
to understand what he is teaching. (My lecturer has a horrible
habit. Under a minute, he says okay at least ten times.)

Oh! And his super blur face when we come out with our own
theories, trying to understand the curves better.

Now, with all this hoo-haa reflection done. I have recovered
mentally..well. Slightly so. And I feel better.

Oh oh! I have to have this down in words.

You know how scents and music evoke past thoughts and moments?
Then for a few seconds, you close your eyes and try to relive that time?
Well..most of the time you're trying your very best to channel that
moment to present..sometimes it comes easily.

I have realized that the feeling of being sick. Down with a flu and
a sore throat, feeling slightly giddy can bring back times too.

I was pretty excited and happy for a moment. I think that drove
me to getting ready to go in for classes today..weirdddddddd (d:)

x

I know this is getting lengthy, but its all at my own expense!
Yes, I'm on a roll! :D

1) Eve is back!!! Major! It feels as if its been forever! (its been
slightly more than a year) I'm happy. And I hope things
work out easily. Can't wait to see you soon :D

Can we resume those Saturday mornings? Okay..maybe not
at that sacred spot. I don't even eat there anymore d:

2) Rotie is also coming into town for a week :D
Its been some time since I mailed you that package.
I didn't get any reply >( I'm still waiting d:

3) I can't wait for that one week of cny holidays :D
There's so much I want to do alone and with people.
Its too short ): It isn't even here yet and I'm complaining.

And doom awaits after the holidays..mid-terms are already
approaching ): I don't wanna spend my holidays skyping,
trying to do the usual cramming..although I must say,
those times are much fun :D

But yes. Initial plans in mind which are only WIP:

- meet with college mates
(I STILL WANNA BAKE COOKIES WITH YOU ALL
WHO AREN'T GONNA BALIK KAMPUNG ;D
total hint: MY HOUSE)

- deb & eve: bake a cake

- dad & mom (pet & hose): trip to anywhere
+ jred & choonz. MAYBE? T_T

- continue friday rituals with my dumplings
and MAYBE: + ONE ANGMOH (rotie i love yoo d:)

- hah! something with sancho/yau mak/mei
i don't know what. but apparently we have
something in progress right? RIGHT??

4) I have submitted my preferences for my next Industrial
Training. Wooh! Go me!

I had done that with a lot of thoughts in mind. Perhaps
somewhere posh and expensive is not that important.

Yes, after working in the past hotel (I SHALL NOT NAME PLACE),
class is not all that important anymore. Its just a name.
Everything else is just usual in there. I'm talking about food.

I'm not saying its ordinary. Its interesting. But hotel life is
hotel life. Its not getting any easier. Though, the people on
the other hand. They can be the worst people or the nicest.
I've met the most caring and interesting people there.
I'm happy and thankful. But I don't think I'm going back soon.

And *drumrollllllllll*
I applied for somewhere REALLY REALLY near..I don't even
have to take a train there. (YES PEOPLE! VISIT ME. WE HANG
OUT DURING MY BREAKS ;D gosh..I sound so confident that
I'm getting it..but but..it shouldn't be hard to get accepted!)

I can even take the free bus there ;D

If I don't get in, my second placement is really near too.
But there may not be a free bus..I'm not sure *_*

The next 3 places are in KL. Those are pretty exciting
places too. But working nearer to home means easy
transportation and everything being very easy on Dad.

No more 30/40-minute drives to get me late in the night.
I know it sucks really bad. Especially when I don't get off
work in time..now its just a 10 minute drive! d:
(I'm a good kid! Don't judge me T_T)
(Thankyew Papa! Thank God you don't read this roll d:)

Er er..said places which are very near to home shall only
be announced when I secure the placement.

I still have dreams to go to Hong Kong. And I still am putting
it into action. I've sent in an enquiry about working at a hotel
there. If my reviews are right, that place serves excellent
Chinese cuisine + Dim Sum.

And yes, only if the time is right.

I'll still be happy to work locally..well. THAT'S WHAT I HOPE FOR.
PLEASE BE NICE TO ME PLACE NEAR HOME! ;D

x

This is really wordy.
I shall add some relief by posting some image.

creds: tumblr d:

I used to think these dogs were ugly.
So cute :D I want one also!